Sunday, February 11, 2007
In my own imagination 9:22 AM.
Friday was the release of O level results.. I was at the hall, where the results are being released...I see the crowd coming in; candidates of O level Cambridge 2006 from FTPSS. Most came in happilly...Some had a kinda nervous aura. Well, when u Know tt you didn't studyhard enough, you will not do well...I'm sort of happy to see some of my old friends...
Then, as they were giving out the resutls, a friend of mine, let's name him S, was having cold shivers. He expresssed his nervousness towards me, subsequently i know that he didn't do well. And true enough, when he got back his results, he was very very upset. He was so devastated by his catastrophic results that he walked pass a wall and punched it..Which caused his watch to break..Then, he walked pass a classrm, and punched the Window...And BANG! THe glass shattereed into pieces..Like how his heart shattered when he learned about his undesirable results.
Anyway, I wasn't able to go for wushu training on friday. I must really say that i'm damn angry with TayYing...I've already told her that i can't open the cca room bcos i hv a rehearsal to attend to until about 4pm. And i confirmed if she's able to make it back at 1.30pm to open the CCA room. She said yes, she can make it..But in the end, at 1.30pm she still hasn't arrived..I was so fed up..SHe only arrived at 2.30pm..I had to run up and down, do simultaenuos job, halfway rehearsal halfway tend to cca...IT's fucking stressful....I have to remember my lines for rehearsal and worry about the CCA...
Anyway, the performance which i hv been talking about is tmr. The launch of Total Defense Day. I hv to perform a skit, which was written by me and i got the lead role. SIan....Well, seriously i didn't like to perform in my sch...Honestly, the performing system in my sch sux like hell. They don't even have WIRELESS MICS! fuck...And whenever external performers come to our sch for a performance, they suffer.. Bcos they hv to act on stage and hold a microphone on one of their hands. And i mean WIRED microphone. I think that the sch is really too budget and irresponsible...Seriously, whenever those performers leave, they hv a bad impression of the sch...The principal always preach on maintaining a positive sch image. But just look at what she's doing. SHe says that students are the main cause of thwarting the sch image. But, what on earth has he sch been doing to ''maintain'' or ''elevate'' the precious sch image? Furthermore, sch image and impression strts with small and simple things, like having a gd performing technical system in the sch hall...I mean, when those external performers come for a soudun check, they'll come to a conclusion that since the sch just can't be bothered to hold a gd performance for the students, and so why bother to go to this sch and perform again? Having a lousy support from the technical side will cause their performance to be terrible...It affects their skills. Imagine holding a mic when u act on stage, in front of 1000 people. What a joke.....They'll look hilarious...And most people will just think tt they're lousy actors..So why bother to go to a sch like that to perform again? They'll just be spoiling their own reputation...
Anyway, i just wanna say that, after tmr's event, i'm just going to wash my hands off the prefectorial board. It's seriously beyond salvation.. I'm not gonna elaborate further on how i was being mistreated and stuffs. If you wanna know, view my previous posts.
Next, i went for sanda training last night. Alexis wasn't able to make it as he was down with a flu. When i arrived , i saw Ivan. He didn't look gd...He seemed moody, listless and sad. I don't know why. He just seem depressed..It breaks my heart also...I mean, when u see somebody you love in such a state, i'm sure you'll feel equally down...I tried to make eye contact with him and say a HI..But he seem to ignore me...I dunno why..Well, perhaps he knew that i'm gay and i like him...All bcos of some big mouth....fuck....At this point of time, where tears are about to flow, i really dont know how to express everything. He may find my thoughts, philosophy and feelings and believes debaucherous, but can't he give a better response towards me? It really hurts me deeply..I may seem very happy, but it's all so facade....
I also wonder how some big mouth feels when he/she went round telling ppl about my sexual oreintation. I dunno who did it. But i'm sure someone did it. I just yearn and in need of some love and relationship... Most people have family to support them, i mean emotionally. They know that they hv a backup at home, they can turn towards their family. But idont...SInce youung, i've always been a loner...I have to take care of myself and push myself and motivate myself to study and stuffs. Although i've been filled with great childhood angst, but i didn't walk into the path where it destroys my future, like commiting crimes. etc etc....
I just want a guy to be by my side and whereby we appreciate each other.. Yes, it may not seem rightful, for a guy to go into a r/s with another guy...But, it's my way of happiness.....I didn't cause intentional harm to any1 did i? It's just a matter of personal preference...And i like that Ivan at sanda...He's not veryvery charming, but i like him not bcos of his looks but bcos He iS him...I like him bcos of his personality, his feel, his aura....I know he has a gf, but i didn't even had the intention to break up the 2 of them just to get him. I have to consider and be aware of his gf's feelings. Well, u may say tt love is selfish and we can't be too selfless if we want to get the person we want. Over here, i can't bring myself to break up a loving couple. Only when his gf leaves him, only then it's my turn to strike. Whether i am able to get him anot, that's another story.
I'm such a thoughtful person, and yet he's treating me with such coldness. I know he's avoiding me, but what he hell can i do? Nth but suffer from the uncontrollable heart pain....
Join ME in my imagination. |
