Saturday, September 09, 2006
In my own imagination 4:41 AM.
I really realized that time flies...And time really flies. I'm already going to be an adult. Well, i don't know whether should consider myself lucky or unlucky. I don't have an enjoyable childhood. And the things which i have been exposed to, is definitely much much more and abundant than people around my age. Which includes people older than me. It's not surprising that i see myself more matured in my thinking than those who are afew years older than me. Especially those pampered ones who think they are king to everything because they are rich.
Unlucky in a way that despite all these ironical scenes which occured in my life, made me such a weirdo today. Made me such an introvert. Lucky also in a way that it made me a thinker. Because of the things which i've seen since young, I knew that life isn't a smooth road to travel.
Lucky also in a way that, since young i was made to believe that only i can support myself mentally. Since those incidents which happened to me, which i got over it all by myself, made me realized that i can be independant. Yes..Independant. But, i'm still a human being. Just that i am more independant and strong-willed than others. I still need a companion. I don't care about family. Except for my dear god-ma who really took care of me. If not, i don't really care. What i want now, right now, is a guy. Who can stand by me. Like i mentioned, i'm a human being, and i need someone for me to express my feelings on. When i'm stressed up, i need to have some relaxation. Not in a sense of sexual relaxation, but in a sense of being loved. At least let me live for someone.
Ok..Talk about other things la.
Yesterday, i went to school again. *sigh....For today's competition. Which is not very well-prepared. I haven't even prepared my clothes. What a responsible person am i. haiz....After i finished my practice in school, i came back home. On the feder bus in Toa payoh, i actually met my ex school mate Dominic. I found out that his parents are filing for a divorcement. I told him about my current situation. That my parents already divorced since i was 2yrs old. He told me he doesn't like his mum because his mum always scold him. Please, at least ur mum bother to. Not like my parents ok. My mother doesn't even care about me nowadays. She only care for her church. Not to put it in a way that i forbid her to go to church, but i feel that her dedication in church is really over the top. Furthermore, she don't live with me. Shouldn't she visit me more often? Although i don't yearn and need that now, but even if she initiates to visit me often, i will tell her to go do others things. Because she already have the thought. But it seems that she doesn't even have the thought of visiting me and having me on her mind constantly. Only as and when she likes. This is something which really pisses me off sometimes. And when i told Dominic about it, he began to realise that he's actually more lucky than me.
Talk about my dad, now, he just drink beer everyday, hide his life in the depth of alcohol. He don't even give a shit about me now. Neither do i give a shit about him. I have been asking him to find a job. But he just don't bother to. He's just damn fking lazy. He just comehome drunk everyday. He goes out at about 12 in the day, comes back an hour later, drunk. And he will go to sleep. After he wake up at around 4pm, he will go down to the market to drink beer with his friends again. comes home at 7, more drunk. Sleeps again, goes down at 10pm, drink until about 3-5am, come home again, much more drunk. Just look at him. Leading this kind of life. If it doesn't affect me, i don't give a damn. But, there are times when i bring my friends home. And when my friend sees such reckless and rediculous behavior of him, what kinda impression are they going to have on my background? wtf man. And now, i suspect that he's having some problems with his body already. He's not going to live long. And my grandma, she's having very bad demensure now. She don't have long also. Once the 2 of them die, i'm going to live in this house all by myself. that's not very far away. Maybe just in 2 years? Well, i will still be very young then.
Ok, now is 5.30am. I just woke up, still feeling abit lethagic. I better go get some more rest.
Join ME in my imagination. |
